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By Roya Monajem, Tehran

The boundary between loving ourselves as an ego and loving ourselves as a mature evolved higher self is a very delicate one. While the first is ultimately a curse in the sense that the end result is a Narcissist most often of a megalomaniac type, the second is a blessing, producing a sense of independency, hope and compassion, but how can we differentiate them?

The answer came one day at Osho's ashram.

If we take self as a line stretching from our little self to a higher self, how can we determine truthfully where we stand on this line?

Before that, ego thought: I am Osho!!! And when I arrived there and saw that small scale 'garden of eden', I heard a beautiful hope inspiring sound of Peeeeeeeeeeeeeece, similar to that heard when a balloon is pierced! Look what he has created! A university for self-knowledge, a hall of mirrors in a way, disregarding how on the other hand, any organized teaching, particularly after the  departure of its Founder can and will evidently turn into which covers a spectrum from a voluntary self-imprisonment to participation in some digressed perhaps even corrupted order, system...

And I thought may be a good measure to find out where we are actually standing on the aforementioned line of selfhood, is to truthfully see what we are actually creating in our lives; in short to see what sort of energy we are emanating. Is it in the service of beauty and humanity or our personal little self? In other words, are we spreading despair, hatred and ugliness or hope, mehr-love and beauty?

A prior good blow to my egoism came when I saw myself from an astrological perspective. Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeece! It seems, even if there has been any achievement in the process of searching for truth, self-creation, it is all the work of stars...

On hearing such things, an egoist would comment: "then 'poor' Hafez, who says:

No astrologer could trace my lucky star

Or what was the ascendant when the mother earth gave birth to me

Seeing themselves above everybody else, egoists use words like "poor" for even such ever living remarkable teachers of the history of human kind, let alone other ordinary mortals like themselves.

Another relieving peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeece came when after reaching the conclusion, that Buddha is right in saying: life is suffering and the cause of suffering is desire, so if you don't want to suffer, stop having desires... resonating with the state called "independency" (bi-niazi) in Persian mysticism, I began to try it actually and see what would be the result, if practiced together with unconditional love in this conditional life.

The effect was that one day, the dark dusty stale air of my home, the suffocating oppressive air outside that old house, together with a deep deep depression inside grabbed my neck, and with the help of stars, that peeeeeeeeeeeece came, reminding who Buddha was! A fortunate prince! One with all earthly desires fulfilled, that had nothing to do with a hopeless, helpless woman living under those conditions...

Egoists see themselves as the greatest figures of human history...

Then came the personal megalomaniac formula of 'independency' bi-niazi in the form of: change to mehr-love to become independent of both outer mehr (other human beings) and inner (egoism turning one to a Narcissist), and fill the gap with Nature, let the sun hug and warm you instead of human flesh, make love with the full moon and be caressed by the cool breeze and...

Not realizing what may be the price of this seemingly 'simple, innocent' desire, physically, emotionally and mentally, the greatest peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeece came through Gurdjieff's powerful teaching...

-Who are you? Just a simple mortal, an ephemeral name, thus nobody! You disagree? Easy, look at yourself with the eyes of an astronomer walking on the moon, or even a megalomaniac accidentally sitting on some throne - as old Iranians deliberately gave that seat to such individuals for a few days, at the end of each year to symbolize initial chaos- from that view you are not even a speck of dust...

Now what happens to that line of self for locating where one is actually standing, if not by what one does in life? Now that most of what is created, what is emanated results from mere subjectivism of our little selves according to Gurdjieff's definition of objective and subjective art, in other words, they are mostly some personal re-narration, at most a re-illustration of history, some kind of narrow-minded recording of time-space, without shaking us to wake up and actually see where we are heading and what we are doing and what may be the grave consequences of our actions for those around us and for the mother earth (the meaning of objective creativity), now how can we evaluate ourselves truthfully?


Despite all that, there is one thing that leaves no place for doubt, and that is the work we each are doing on ourselves in the journey of self-development, self-creation producing a treasure in the heart, as all 'masters' of the human history, past and present repeat, which can bring that much mehr-love, hope, positive healing energy through us to the world. In Hafez's words:

Although unity will not be given by efforts

You heart, keep trying as much as you can

We specially need that here and now, as perhaps never has this ancient land been subject to the plight of such dangerous vanity and egoism as much as now.

... Payvand News - 04/03/10 ... --

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